[This newsletter was written in response to an anonymous question I received. Post is at the end with a direct response.]
✨Something new is coming, announcement at the end✨
A few years ago, I was having a conversation with my aunt. We hadn’t spoken in a few months and she asked me if I were seeing anyone. She's not my real aunt, so our conversations are usually quite friend-like.
I told her I that I wasn’t but there was someone who I met and had been talking to for a few weeks who I really liked.
We met on a dating app, when neither of us was looking for anything particular. It just so happened that he, the guy I was telling my aunt about, ended up being, without a doubt, someone I wanted to be with.
Once I realized those feelings were there, I knew I had to tell him how I felt. He told me he felt similarly but wanted to be single for at least another year or two because there were some things he wanted to accomplish first.
I understood, I accepted it. Cried about it and knew it was time to move on. In my head, that was the end of that, at least for the time being.
But as I was telling the story to my aunt, she said, "well, if you really think he’s the one, you should wait for him. A year isn’t that long".
To which I responded, “are you alright? I’m not doing any such thing”.
One of the most common questions I get asked by DM is some version of should I wait for them?
Assuming you’re unmarried, my answer will always be no.
My logic is that since no one can promise you that they’ll come back to you, or want to be with you at any point in the future, there's no point putting your life on hold waiting for them.
It’s best to assume that the relationship isn’t going to come to fruition, or you aren’t getting back together and live your life as such.
I think a big part of wanting to wait for someone is your lack of confidence in your ability to find someone else.
The waiting gives a false sense of comfort. It feels like you have something to fall back on. You don't worry so much about being alone because you think that this person is coming back.
Or, in some cases you might be waiting for them to change and turn into the person you want them to be.
Right Person Wrong Time
You have to learn to trust your process. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. We all want what we want when we want it. But it doesn't go that way sometimes.
It doesn’t mean it, whatever it may be, won't ever happen. It might just mean not right now.
As long as your alive, and in regards to dating, as long as the other person is alive, anything is possible in the future.
“If you were the one, they’d make it the right time.”
Have you ever been told this or something similar?
The problem with this statement is it assumes that everyone prioritizes romantic relationships equally. It assumes every person has the self-awareness and capability to, push through their trauma and get their shit together simply because they've found someone they like and might want to be with.
Making it the “right time” might come at a price, that the other person isn’t ready to pay right now.