#MemberStories: Finding Your Confidence After A Codependent Relationship

#MemberStories: Finding Your Confidence After A Codependent Relationship
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“I haven’t really dated much in my life. I’m in my 30s now, I turned 33 this year. I am a plus-sized woman so dating automatically is a little harder for us, especially being here in New York where everyone has so many options. I feel like it’s a little harder to get out there when everyone expects you to look a certain way.”

“Most of the people I’ve dated, they’ve come from dating sites, or I met them online, things that were just sort of on a whim and they didn’t really work out that great. I might’ve gotten ghosted or maybe they weren't really honest about the things that they wanted.”

“A lot of men just want sex. And honestly, as much as I praise people having their “hoe phase”, as long as they take care of their health and are safe, I’ve never really been that kind of person.”

“I do eventually want to get married and I want to settle down but I know that these days everyone’s options are a little wider so it makes it harder to do that. I’m perfectly fine not dating right now though.”

Abby, who kindly agreed to let us in on her journey to becoming more confident, explains that she’s only had two serious boyfriends and dated other people here and there.

Those two serious ones were not really great examples of people you should be with”.

“My last relationship ended in 2018 and it really took me off balance. I thought that was the end of the world. I thought we were supposed to be together. It was basically a very blind moment for me, I spent a year and a half to maybe two years trying to get over the situation.”

To help get over the breakup, she credits therapy, self-help books and building a tribe of women who could support her and help propel her forward.

“I met someone who is now my best friend.”

It was in therapy where Abby realised that her previous relationship was a codependent one.

“My therapist kind of told me that a lot of things fell apart because of my codependency”, she adds, “literally everything I did, I did for him. I was always with him.”

“The codependency part is really rough. Feeling like you can’t live without that person. Everything that you do has to be with that person. Everything was about him. I honestly lost myself in that relationship. When it ended, I felt like my world was upside down.”

“Realising I was codependent and having to work on that has been difficult because once you meet someone new you’re not sure how to approach the relationship.”

“Are you going to be codependent with this new person? It’s a lot of unlearning your old habits and learning new habits and spending every day trying to move forward.”

Abby admits that during the early days of her previous relationship she felt like the relationship resembled one of husband and wife rather than two people who just started dating. She mentions that they were doing things they probably shouldn’t have been doing so early on, such as spending night’s at each other’s houses, her cooking for him all the time and buying each other things.

“We tried to break things off in the first six months but we felt like we couldn’t be without each other and I think that’s just because of the attention that we’d give each other. That’s when he asked me to be with him.”

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