Are you "too much"?

Are you "too much"?
Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

I've seen it said online plenty of times that you'll never be too much for the person that's right for you.

While I can appreciate the sentiment behind the message, I think it's just another statement that speaks to the way that people romanticise love.

You can be too much for anyone, but it's impossible to be too much for your partner? Nonsense.

If anything, the person who is "right" for you is the person who'll let you know when you're doing too much, be patient with you and support you as you work through whatever you need to work through.

I always used to worry about being too much, so much so that I stopped allowing myself to have needs. All my effort just went into being unproblematic and making whomever I liked life better and trying to get them to want me.

Being "too much" can show up in different ways.


I matched with this guy on Hinge a few years back, we'll call him Adam. He was in my lineup of COVID lockdown matches. It was impossible for us to go on a date right away.

But as the end of lockdown neared, we attempted to make plans to meet. By this time, we'd only been speaking for just over a week. We found it difficult to find a time to meet because our schedules kept conflicting. On the weekend I was free he was meant to be spending time with family but he said he'd cancel for me.

He was happy to let me know he was willing to cancel with his family. I got the sense that he felt it showed his level of interest in me.

Instead I thought, why would he do that?

The truth is, in the past, I've cancelled plans last minute, called in sick to work, rescheduled appointments and skipped out on seeing friends and family so that I could be free to see whoever I was interested in at that time.

I'd bend over backwards to make myself available because I was convinced that if I couldn't be available, they'd just find someone who could be available.

Maybe he had similar reasons for cancelling with his family, maybe he didn't and I was just projecting. Either way, I noted it as an orange flag for potential desperation.

As the conversation continued he kept insisting that he'd be happy to cancel for me. He went on to mention how, during family time, he was supposed to see his daughter, who he hadn't seen for months because of lockdown. Again, he proudly told me he'd cancel for me.

The orange flag turned blaringly red.

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